Haha...here I am again...after God knows how long...Well, here I go again...warning though, this is gonna be a semi-emo post...

Yesterday there was a concert in my uni...I was part of the committee in charge of the concert...and damn it was great...the atmosphere...the event...but most of all, the people...Aw yeah the people...that's like the main point...

The people there...they're something else...they had this bond...and this bond...from what i see, they treat each other as...family...they mingle with one another, they care for one another...it was like one great big family, y'know?

Although I wasn't involved in most of the meetings and outings and all, but just by joining the club/society/whatchamacallit, I felt as if I was part of the family as well. Although I didn't get to know most of the people, the people that I got to know was really kind, really nice people. Well, those that I didn't get to know, I have no comments, of course.

The one thing that glues all these people together is passion. A passion for music. And I think that through this passion, they stick together and care for one another.

There, with them, I really felt like...I was a part of them. There's just this...this vibe, y'know? Those two whole days spent preparing for it in the hall, those were some good days...but now it's all over. Which brings me to the main prob.

It's over, but I can't stop thinking about it. I miss it. It's like there's a void inside me. And nothing is filling it. Games, shows, nothing. Last night, when it was all over (heck, I even stayed behind to help clean up. I didn't want to leave!) and I went back to my college, my heart felt heavy. And when I stepped into my college, some words went into my heart. They were...

"Fuck. Back to this shithole again."

Coz you see, the people here in my college and the people in the music group...they're worlds apart. People here comprises of fakers, hypocrites, and the like. I still remember what they did...In the first week alone, they humiliated me, made fun of me, disgraced me...And all because I don't know mandarin...

Since then, I've held a vengeance in my heart. The more I see their actions, their behavior, the more disgusted I become. How could they act like this?

Aah, it seems like i've gotten off-track. The people in my college is another story. How my vengeance was created, is also another story. All that matters right now is...

Wake the hell up, Jack!!!
4:29 AM



Update : crap crap crap. things are crappy right now. the mandarin club committee cannot find anyone else to take the rice (we order rice from outside) and ask me, who dutied last sem for 2 days a week, every week, to take it again this sem.

things feel like they're breathing down my neck. I can't even enjoy weekends without the thoughts of activities breathing down my neck.

since when did activities turn from 'hey i'm interested in this. I'll join!' to 'i'm doing this to stay in my college'?

it feels...forced, i guess.

Been moody these days. I feel like picking a fight at times. my sparring partner is the wall. of course, i lose.

losing confidence in ppl...fakers galore round here~ with a few exceptions, of course...the only good thing that happened nowadays ^_^

so, this is jack, signing out...gotta call some dude for activity purposes...sigh
12:17 AM



I...I have nothing now, there is a hole where my heart used to be, dripping with blood and dark matter. I have no one now, all that remains is a shadow that cackles and laugh at me from the darkness. I am nobody now, having lost both things and people.

Hey there. Actually, originally i wanted to use those lines as the main anchor of a story i was coming up (in my mind, since i seem to have become a bit too lazy to write anything anymore). Now, i guess a bit of this can be applied to me. hahaha

A friend of mine asked what happened to me that caused me to use those lines. Answer : everything. Everything culminates to this point, everything boils up to now, and when i'm left alone, left for...more sociable, less weird people...my mind springs into action.

Now i remember. I remember that emotion. The darkness pulling me. Now i know why workaholics exist. Or gamerholic or whatever-holics u can come up with. When you work, you forget. You don't think. You feel less. Emotions cease to exist when you're too busy to even think about it.

whenever i see other people happy, i see other people laughing away, i see other people actually being with people, i get...jealous? I'm not sure if that's the correct word haha. i am reminded of that gaping hole within me.

But i'm not down for the count yet. Oh no. I'm gonna try to fight this emotion. Though it feels like a black hole is forming in my heart (weird feeling, coming from emotions i think. or hormones), i'll try to fight it.
4:37 AM



Hey there dear reader(s)? First off, sorry if my previous posts were emo-ish, and/or dark. If I made any one of you worry (which I highly doubt), I apologize. My mind wasn't exactly wired on right. Well, after some re-wiring, it's all better now!

I've been doing some thinking. Yes, I'm still hooked to that song with a long title. Yes, it's a rather sad song. Yes, it's a love song (somewhat). The lyrics may not match my situation 100%, but that's not why I listen to it. This song...has something special to it. I could almost feel the emotions that run through its lyrics. Strong emotions. And ain't song and music mostly about channeling emotions, or your soul, or whatnot? So I guess the song's doing its job. Heh.

Baack to the main point. So. I've been rather emo the past few days. For reasons that I shall not state here. Wahahahhaaha. Sometimes, you're in the middle of light, and you get dragged into the darkness. And I was THIS close to having a relapse into my darkness days, where all I do is sit in a corner, emo, and ponder whether or not life is worth it. But, sometimes, you find light within the darkness. Okay, so I didn't sit in a corner. I sat on a chair. There, happy? Why you so concerned with the details anyway? lol.

But still, I pondered about that question a lot. And I mean a lot. The result? I couldn't come up with an answer. No matter how hard I thought about it, until almost all of my thought processes were consumed by that question, I couldn't answer it. And I doubt anyone can. On second thought, scratch that. Everyone have their own answers, I guess. Which brings me to my next point...

Life isn't to be thought about, it's to be LIVED. What's the use of sitting there thinking? Nothing's gonna happen like that. Ever. You sit there thinking and thinking and thinking, when you could be doing something about it. (Damn, I sound like I'm lecturing myself)

Now, about the purpose, or meaning of life. This question? People have been asking it for ages. But no one's been able to answer it. Because no matter who you ask, other people ain't gonna be able to answer that question for you. Because it's YOUR life, not theirs. The way I see things, as you live life, you eventually find purpose, or meaning to your existence. To some, it may be to protect their loved one. To others, it may be to take care of their family. Some's purpose might even be to some bigwig and make some breakthrough, I don't know.

Point is, life...you won't find anything about it if all you do is sit around and mope. (Damn, now it REALLY sounds like i'm lecturing myself. Coz that's all i did for quite some time. hohoho) So go out and live it!

Well, that's all for now. This is Jack, signing out.
3:28 AM



Heh...Never thought...You'll come to find me again...But I can't say I'm surprised...I was kinda expecting you...darkness...

Seems we just can't get enough of each other, huh? Can't say that I missed you, though...Your effects were too strong...I used to be consumed by you...But then I regained strength, and overcame you...But now, now you've come back to find me...

I guess once someone's been tainted by darkness, the taint'll stick, huh? But then again, who hasn't faced darkness before? It's just that some are luckier...they have a source of light to guide them through...not all are that lucky though
7:34 AM



Haha..it's almost 4 and here i am blogging...while listening to...um...wait, the title's pretty long...ah, here it is : Crazy Woman (Kim Yeon Ji (SeeYa), Lee Hae Ri (Davichi), Lee Jung Min). Never thought Korean songs would be so nice...and so fitting for this..occassion.

Oh, and my mind has been churning stuff out. Here's an experimental one :

Maybe

Maybe, things wouldn't have turned out this way,
If only I had done it...

Maybe, I was blinded, and couldn't see how important you were to me,
If only I had better vision then...

Maybe, I was a fool, I didn't realize how things really were for me,
If only I was smarter and realized sooner...

Maybe, I could have obtained it,
If only I acted faster...

Maybe, things would have been different,
If only things were different,

But now all that's gone and all that's left is lingering thoughts,
As all these things will always remain a maybe...
If only...
12:40 PM



As I sit in front of my computer (laptop really, but why bother about the details eh?), with exams looming in front of me, I still had time to let my mind wander. And wander it did.

It wandered back to that day. Yes, that day that changed it all. It brought about a new beginning. A new resolve. On that day, I made up my mind. I was determined. I had a...vision of the future that I wanted to make real.

But...

What's happening now? What's going on? My resolve is shaking, my determination is faulty, my vision is blurred. It used to feel different. Special. But now...Now what is happening?

Something is happening. Something is...off. Or is this the correct thing? Is it supposed to be this way? Only questions are present. Wonder when will the answers choose to visit my mind, eh?
7:00 AM